This is the Twilight of My Years
The profound enveloping of darkness
Drowned the light that illumines my path.
Wolves howling, hair rising...
Welcoming the execution of my Creator's wrath.
Those were the lines I'd written in my poetry journal, "The Green Parchment" on the 27th day of September, 2005. It has been three years. But the words linger on and the lessons remained, taunting me each day to keep on track and lean on the wonderful Grace of Jesus.
I thought I was strong and steady. There were even times when in I banner "false humility".
I said, "I'm strong, I will try to never go wrong. I know what I'm doing. I know where I stand. I know when to keep going and I know when to stop."
Little did I know that I knew little. And that, I never knew that I did not know at all.
The month I was diagnosed of a disease (I never wish to disclose) was the month I started to shut myself away from the world. I was caught in terrible silence. Silent prayer, silent rantings, silent scream of my aching soul, empty words, tearless sobbing, and so much more. Until I caught myself staring blankly into space, pondering on million nothing. I never wished to talk to anyone nor did I ever want to be seen by a single eye. I hid myself from the eyes of the society who'd crawl on the thought of what had become of me. I wished I was invisible. I even wished to disappear in the air while the world continues with its business.
I kept myself in a shoebox for months. No messages and phone calls from anyone. During those months, nights were long, they never seem to end. Days were short and I wished the sun won't shine again the next dawning. And those long months of silence were embraced by throbbing heart and aching soul poured on bended knee before God. It was just me and my God.
I was angry.
Dear God,
I wonder why people can be very insensitive. They see you and they seem to take your situation lightly. They do not understand until get in the same situation. They take things lightly and I'm angry.
I'm so angry. I cannot make a good defense. I cannot fight back. I'm angry for the false hopes given by people. I'm so angry for there is no reason to speak out even if help is given. It is my life and they do not have the right to unveil my suffering to someone else.
I'm so angry, Dear God, because I'm so helpless. I want to burst in anger, Dear God, but I hold on to Your Words, which I trust alone.
I should've never trusted people. A friend is not always a friend.
It hurts me, Dear God, and I'm angry. Maybe all I can do is to let go and to really trust no one but You.
When all else fails, there's no one to turn to but God alone.
To be continued...
